daydreams at night

Restful sleep has been elusive lately. The flu has worn me down.

Last night, I slipped in and out of consciousness moving from one surreal dream or thought into the next. I opened my eyes wondering if I just heard LittleR Dude crying ... from teething pain. There was silence. I sighed ... glad that this was the final molar and last baby tooth to come in. But this feeling of relief was momentary because I knew full well it will not be the last time I will be awakened by the sound (real or imagined) of my boys crying.

I touched my forehead and caressed the small lump still stinging from this morning's collision with a door as I rushed outside to put a bag of mouldy oranges in the compost bin. "F*ck!" I screamed, immediately feeling guilty because both boys were at the kitchen table only a few feet away. I envisioned the two of them greeting their daddy with an exuberant, "F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!" when he got home from work. F*ck it, I thought and decided not to say anything further. My forehead was already throbbing.

Moments after this incident, and because I love the sensation of flesh meeting wood so much, I walked into the side of the bathroom door hitting a different part of my forehead, albeit not as abruptly. This time I had the sense to keep my thoughts to myself.

I closed my eyes and dreamed some more. A young girl was being led away by a young boy. They looked in love. I became conscious of the good man snoring beside me. I coughed. Hacked. He snored. He can sleep through anything.

My thoughts darted to the house that we considered buying this summer. I remembered salivating at the thought of moving into a house with fewer and smaller rooms to clean. And, the backyard. Well, it was utterly stunning! I fell in love with the garden, the pool, the grass area and the clumps of mature trees ... a forest for the boys to run through, discover nature and build a tree house in. But we didn't act fast enough and the house sold before we could even put a bid in.

Construction in our backyard began this fall. We're putting in a pool and cordoning a section of "play space" for the boys. Instead of searching for the perfect house, we've decided to make our current home perfect for us, an investment that will ground us here for at least 10 years. It's an incredibly liberating decision and I now look forward to notching a door frame with the kids' heights and creating other memories deep in the walls and space around me.

I closed my eyes again. Other daydreams whirled around my head. Then finally, sleep.