big imples

I'm sitting on the toilet. LittleR Dude walks to the open door and asks, "Can I come in?!"

He sits on the stool directly across from me and notices a magazine hanging sideways on the towel rack. There's an ad showing the back of a woman. She has nothing on except a thin line of body lotion wrapping around the back of her neck mimicking halter top strings tied into a bow.

"She's naked."

"Yes, she is."

"She has big imples."

"Her elbows are little big." More bony than big, I think to myself.

"Her imples are big." He points to her shoulder blades.

I turn my head sideways to see the ad right-side up. A light bulb switches on inside my head.

"Oh, that's her back. You can't see her front."

"I have big imples," he says tweeking them.

I smile.

"You have big imples," he adds and I redivert the little fingers reaching towards me, wrapping them around my neck instead.

2010

Early last night, I bade 2009 a fond farewell without fanfare and told 2010 that I'd see her the next morning. I needed the rest and so did the Good Man. But 2010 wasn't having any of it. I was startled awake thinking someone just got shot outside my window. Fireworks! Damn. The clock showed 12:09 and Little Dude was crying for daddy. The Good Man settled him back to sleep. Half an hour later, bang! More fireworks.

Today, on the 1st day of 2010, the Good Man and I cleaned up after the messiest wet poop exploding out of LittleR Dude ever. It went down the length of one leg. Covered the bottom of his feet. In between one set of toes. Tracked in the kitchen. And, escaped clumps in the family room.

2010, I see it's going to be that kind of year, huh?! You just couldn't cut a girl recovering from pneumonia and her tired hubby some slack. Here are my resolutions, you b!tch.

I will celebrate the coming of 2011

Because this year can't end fast enough. And I can't believe it's only Day 1.

I will stop thinking that it's still okay to be seen in public in maternity clothes

A repeat of last year's. Voice screaming in my head: "Your youngest son is over 2 years old! You're not pregnant and will never be again. It's been assured in multiple ways. Put the stuff in a box, seal it with duct tape and give it to charity. Pants with a stretchy waist band that goes over your gut is NOT a good look unless you are pregnant. You have a big ass. Accept it and buy some big ass pants."

I will floss my teeth

Because I've got an appointment in mid-January.

I will put more thought into mom's Christmas gift

She really scored big this year. A scarf from Louis Vutton. Another one from Hermes. A Burberry watch. From me, she got a 3-container CrockPot for all her entertaining needs. I'm so lame. Next year, I'm going to swipe a Mercedes hood ornament and put it on her Toyota. [Insert sorry-ass nervous laughter here.] So very lame. Note: No, my siblings are not rich. They just love my mom way more than I do.

I will stop swearing in my blog

It's not how I've been raised. And, I think my mom might be reading my blog. (By the way Mom, I was kidding about loving you less. I love you lots and lots.)

I will have the boys see more of their grandmas and grandpa

My little guys just absolutely loved having grandma L and grandpa F visit over the holidays. When it was time to take them to the airport, they packed their toy trains in their nursery school backpacks with the expectation of going on that plane with them. At home Little Dude asked mournfully, "Are they coming back?"

Earlier in the week after an overnight stay at grandma N, Little Dude asked, "Mommy, I want to ask you something. Can we drive to grandma's house, put her in the van and take her here?" Oh, dear child, abduction is a punishable offense. How about we call her in the morning?

There. I wrote that last one without swearing.

Good night, y'all. Hope 2010 brings you good health and happiness all around.